As I continue to counsel neurodivergent individuals and couples, more and more are coming to me already diagnosed. Some of these are self diagnosed and others have a formal diagnosis. I would like to think that it is because the general public has become more aware and more accepting.

Accepting a diagnosis on any level certainly has benefits. Couples and individuals who can refer to being on the spectrum comfortably and with respect have usually reduced, if not eliminated the stigma a diagnosis can carry. A therapist or coach who is experienced in this special phenomena can be of great help building a safe haven. This type of emotional safety and connection is what most individuals want from their friends and family.

Why Autism Carries Stigma

Autism stigma stems from several deep-rooted misconceptions and society’s discomfort with difference, particularly because autism challenges conventional expectations of communication, behavior, and emotional expression.

Autistic individuals are frequently mischaracterized as emotionless, antisocial, or intellectually disabled, despite the spectrum’s diversity and tendency to be intellectually average or above. 

Traits like stimming, meltdowns, or sensory sensitivities are often seen as disruptive or defiant, rather than expressions of neurological difference. 

Many autistic adults have also experienced being repeatedly misunderstood, socially rejected, and diagnostic skepticism. Many report hiding their diagnosis due to fear of discrimination in professional or social settings, often creating an internalized stigma.

The Controversy Around the Terminology for ASD

Hans Asperger’s name was once associated with a “milder” form of autism, but historical research has revealed disturbing ties to Nazi collaboration. Many autistic individuals, advocates, and researchers now prefer terms like “autistic person” or “on the autism spectrum,” rejecting “Asperger’s” due to its Nazi-era associations and divisive implications. 

There’s growing consensus around language that affirms identity and avoids pathologizing:

“Autistic person” is widely preferred over “person with autism” by many self-advocates, aligning with identity-first language.

“On the autism spectrum” is also accepted, especially when emphasizing diversity and nuance and “Neurodivergent” is embraced in broader contexts, especially when discussing intersectional experiences. Your questions and comments are welcomed. I’m familiar with all of these terminology preferences, and happy to talk through them with you.

What an Autism Diagnosis Means for Your Relationship…..Next Steps

Obviously, this is a very individual matter. In the beginning I will want to meet with both of you, then individually, and next we meet together to plan how we can support your relationship. I will share with you a course of exercises that are known to benefit couples.

I will help you build habits like arranging times to hold important dialogues, framing and expressing your thoughts on topics that are sensitive or can become that way. Thoroughly understanding that autism is simply brain wiring, nothing more or less, can be very helpful. Questions about talking, of how long to speak, what is meant by expressions like, “ It goes without saying” what is “between the lines,” when is talking too long and when to interrupt, come up often in this office.

You will learn to replace confrontation or argument with dialogue. Arguments destroy trust and dialogue in an emotionally safe environment increases it. 

At first, I will be part of the teamwork assigning exercises to the couple that are designed for them. Some need to discuss romance and others can hardly broach child-rearing. These activities are described in down to earth language and by being transparent with no, “therapy-lingo.” You will be able to become increasingly independent of my presence and can become your own specialized therapist. 

It will be important for me to know if you can embrace some homework, outside of the session. It supports  learning and is very successful for most people. If desired, I can easily make this work available in audio or video. Workbooks are preferred, when that works for the couple. 

This part is called, “psycho-education.”

Couples and family therapy trained people like myself, know that education is often needed for success in relationships. What people actually want from their partner today often differs from what they’ve seen from family and friends. These are skills that should not be assumed but can be learned.

You may be feeling like you’re communicating across worlds or speaking different languages, but you don’t have to do it alone and I can help you close that gap.