The dog lay between them on the couch, head resting on Anna’s thigh, tail brushing Pete’s knee. Neither spoke. The movie cast flickering light across their faces, but neither watched. Pete shifted slightly, the cushions sighing beneath him. “You’re still mad.”
Anna didn’t answer. She scratched behind the dog’s ear, slow and rhythmic.

“I just didn’t think it was a big deal,” he said.
She looked down at the dog. “That’s the problem. You never think it’s a big deal.”
Pete reached to pet the dog too, their hands nearly touching.
The dog sighed, a soft huff of breath.

Anna stood. “I’m going to bed.”
The dog followed her, pausing at the doorway, looking back at Pete.
He stayed seated, the silence louder than before.

Does that tension between Anna and Pete feel like you and your partner sometimes?
Imagine how things could be different, what might that look like?

What Does an Improved Relationship Look Like?

As you might guess, there is less conflict and it is handled quite differently. There is more negotiation than bursts of emotion or total shut-down. Listening and curiosity is evident. The relationship is less burdened and the room is quieter. Your partner might not be doing more, but they are doing things differently and it leaves you both with hope. Trust has been built.

Laughter and dignity are restored. There is a beginning sense of humor. You have, “In-jokes” about how each has been difficult. You both have pride about what you’ve lived through, what you are grateful for, how you’ve learned to bend and when you couldn’t.

Together you have built a relationship no one would want to leave. There is grace for what you have accepted, together. It is a thing worth having, a thing that has stood the test of time.

How Did That Happen?

One partner, sometimes both, went looking for someone with expertise who could help. Usually both feel that they have suffered from “Cassandra Syndrome”, a mythical character who was always invalidated and punished for what she knew, (now a common expression on the internet about neurodiverse couples). Often, one partner feels this way more than the other. Recognizing it and giving it a name, can really begin to help. We have a phone consult and they feel a connection with me.

We meet and their hope is renewed, because they feel that they have an ally. 

They are looking forward to no more guessing games. I provide inputs that replace these frustrations with trauma informed strategies, check-ins and safe words. Correction has been replaced with curiosity. It begins to get easier.

Masking

“Masking” is a way that many people on the spectrum learn to carry themselves to feel emotionally safe. Let me share with you that this is not a one-way deal. Masking, in these couples, is often met by masking. The relationship itself may appear different, when in the company of others and this can cause isolation.

A relationship can be like a third person, I would be lying if I said that relationships didn’t have old patterns and have to be guided onto new pathways. The relationship itself can be carrying the burden of memories and patterns. 

Yet masking, which was once a coping skill, erodes intimacy over time. I provide models of discussion and ways to view each other that get the stuck couple to stop spinning their wheels and roll out of the mud. I assign a book or two, that reliably help with couples communication and tailor homework to match the couple. There is open communication by phone or text, throughout. This frequently helps the partner who is carrying the spectrum diagnosis right away,  because it is specific and they can point to it. There are those who are overwhelmed by reading and there are work-arounds like audio and others.

Sometimes a partner cautions me, by telling me that their partner is, “manipulative” or will cooperate, when I am present, but it will only be a performance, because true empathy is not there.

Are you that person?

If so, please know that I have been through this with many couples. I empathize with your position and belief in the truth of what you are saying, yet again we need patience and imagination. We learn by first imitating. I won’t leave it there and there needs to be a space for so much that will be new.

Honesty and persistence requires courage. I find that these neurodivergent relationships already have those things. It is a matter of us working together to address manageable chunks of the experience of both people, at a time. There is a temptation to want our needs to be met quickly and smoothly, but Mother Nature has a different plan. The endurance these couples have developed over time, has a purpose.

This work is tender. It asks a lot — honesty, empathy, and stamina. But it can also reshape what’s possible. Relationships anchored in truth can be repaired, rebuilt, and reimagined.