The concept of “Love Languages” popularized by Pastor Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages has become a widespread and casual part of everyday conversation. However, I rarely find them helpful for my neurodiverse couples or individuals. Many of my clients have grown particularly cautious about words that classify, aim to diagnose or categorize. They are understandably tired of it and all too familiar with hearing categories or formulas of behavior that don’t include them.
I’ve been immersed in couples communication work, with a “Parts Work” and “Imago” approach and I didn’t realize “Love Languages” were even still around! They seem to have made a comeback and are part of the vernacular in the YouTube environment of therapy-talk.
My approach involves having couples become present to each other’s needs. This includes helping them share what has been held back and express when they have felt unheard or judged to a partner who has seemed walled off or one who over-shares.
Such efforts are more complex than any predefined four or five, “Love Languages.” Relationships are complicated, individual, nuanced, ever-evolving and shift over time in ways such a framework will fail to capture. While the “Love Languages” are framed as tools for fostering communication and emotional connection, they are at best, buzzwords. At worst, they can be misleading, because they are the kind of terms we make assumptions about and end up focusing on the wrong things, all in an effort to please our partner.
For the couples I work with, in which one partner is on the autism spectrum, often much time has already been spent, painfully trying to fit into terms and expressions that attempt to describe their unique behaviors, tastes, preferences. Sometimes they have been trying so hard and for so long that they don’t know if they truly remember their authentic selves, or if they ever knew themselves, through all of the necessary people-pleasing and masking.
For them the five love languages feels like another box they are expected to fit themselves into.
Why Love Languages May Not Apply
Words of Affirmation: “Affirmation” isn’t even a word most people use. Most folks understand, “You get more bees with honey. “Affirmations” are pleasant, supportive sentences you find in alternative healing videos on YouTube, or in books. Some of the most famous books are by Louise Hayes, she was all about “Affirmations.” If you’re curious, look her up. The best we can do to define this idea is that it’s a compliment. Verbal compliments, encouraging words, or kind statements
But, they’re WORDS, aren’t they? When I think of the couples I’ve worked with, I can hear those on the spectrum saying, “Uh oh, this’ll be a good one, wait until you hear (or read) this! I have messed this one up more times than not!” That would be before I even try to explain. For some reason people don’t always remember that talking is behavior.
Adults on the spectrum rarely forget it.
Whatever you say, can be wrong. Talking about talking, tends to raise anxiety in people on the spectrum. They’re often criticized for not talking and they say that’s the only way to stay out of trouble. Their partners will say that they used to talk much more when they met. Partners may not realize that most people talk a lot when they first meet that special person, then it tends to simmer down.
Those partners forget that in the beginning of a romantic relationship, there are lots of brain chemicals and other things that have us in the honeymoon phase, and we listen to the other person as though they’re the last person on earth and there’s a ton to say. It’s all new! Then time passes, and there is some sort of power struggle. The honeymoon is over.
I am well aware of the “Cassandra” effect of “Cassandra Complex” and how it can come into play here, but I will talk about that in a different post.
Acts of Service: Service means different things to each of us. This one is also rife with assumptions! Which acts are expected, exactly? When or where should they happen? Are their details? What if I mess up?
Acts of service may mean asking multiple questions over time. It may mean watching and listening as though we are getting to know a stranger. Although partners of those on the spectrum may be more likely to say it, the truth is that we all speak a different language and your partner is a completely separate person with different routines and ways of doing things.
My study of this field revealed that understanding and tolerating that your partner is a separate person is a major accomplishment in the stages of being a couple.
Receiving Gifts: Some people excel at selecting heartfelt gifts, while others may struggle to find the perfect item—or even to receive gifts graciously. For a lucky few, gifting comes naturally. Too often we only hear the positive stories rather than the disappointments, conflicts, and challenges of birthdays and anniversaries. It is not uncommon for people to hide a gift they received, so that it can be dispensed of somehow, discreetly.
Expectations and misunderstandings can add to already existing communication issues for many couples. Some of us grew up getting great gifts for birthdays and other occasions, we look forward to those days. Others want to avoid these times, because whatever they received came with guilt.
Quality Time: Spending time together, engaging in activities or conversations that deepen your relationship. Generally this involves time without children, phones, or computers, but not always. Most feel it means undivided time or attention. While one can easily imagine that techies and engineers might find computer games together to be cozy, other couples might be put off by them. These activities need to be specified and that takes communication. Just referring to it as, “Quality Time” would be vague and risk misunderstandings in a neurodiverse relationship.
Recently there is talk about phones being a “stim” (self-stimulating behavior) which provides comfort and relief for many. Often there is one partner more likely to speak about this need, than the other. Finding out whether someone uses their phone to self-soothe can shed a useful light on what is actually going on, interpersonally. If so, establishing a timeframe for use, or a compromise that respects everyone’s needs can be helpful.
Since phones are part of modern life, we need to be able to talk about them in a neutral way.
Physical Touch: This form of affection has long been romanticized in television and movies overlooking the fact that many people have different sensory preferences when it comes to physical touch.
Sensory differences have long been considered a characteristic of those who are considered on the spectrum. As far back as Masters and Johnson there was an approach for couples to learn about touch, called, “sensate focus” which suggested non-threatening ways to learn about the other person‘s body. Partners put time aside to touch each other intentionally avoiding any sensitive areas. In a neurodiverse couple it is important not to assume what sensitive areas could mean. A good therapist can really help with this, but it is risky business to just tell someone that touch is your love language and leave it at that.
A More Individualized Approach
Couples were no different before love languages and they are simply not needed to have a wonderful relationship. In fact, there are no clichés that are that helpful. However, there are communication styles that work for just about anyone, anywhere.
One approach is Imago-style dialogues, this tends to need a couples coach for a while before undertaking it independently. Loving others requires supporting them in their growth and that means understanding their uniqueness. I coach the couple in practicing this at first, but the idea is that they learn to do it on their own. It replaces the old ways that weren’t working for them.
Additionally and especially if the partners have had little or no relationship counseling in the past, I almost always include an understanding of “Parts Work” from Richard Schwartz book, “No Bad Parts.” This approach resonates with people because it feels non-judgmental, avoids pathologizing, and fosters a more accepting and compassionate perspective. It is another method that people can take with them
In closing, there are multiple ways to avoid and move beyond almost any terminology, including “Love Languages.” The changes you want will have their own language and we will find words for them, or ways of referring to them with which you and your partner are comfortable. Sometimes couples are very clear on what they want and others take some time. Real change is not usually instant, but it is important that goals are clear.
And change can make us nervous. At first new behavior can be a bit clumsy and may take a bit of practice to iron out the wrinkles. Some changes are exciting and offer opportunities to spice up our lives like creative projects, adventures and new friends. Others may cause us to hesitate and want to be cautious.
I think I can help you embrace it, at your pace and in your own style, even showing your partner the ever-elusive, “empathy” as you do it. It may require learning some self-compassion and some acceptance, which will effortlessly extend to others in your life. I had to learn this myself and I am glad to be on that path with you, so it is less overwhelming. What do you have to lose?