I am a couples therapist who specializes in neurodiverse couples; couples in which one person is on the autism spectrum. As a couples therapist, my focus is the relationship, as opposed to the individuals in it.

However, recently I’ve been seeing patterns in these couples. There has been an expectation about what a diagnosis and a therapist who understands it, will do, or how treatment will progress.

Most of these couples have been together for many years and have often raised children together. At this point the partner with autism has been able to get a formal diagnosis or the couple is otherwise certain that they are a neurodiverse couple.

The pattern I am addressing here is the expectations of the couple and particularly the neurotypical (NT) partner, who is not on the autism spectrum. 

Marriage After an ASD Diagnosis

Upon diagnosis the NT partner may look at their relationship in a new light. They may feel relieved by the diagnosis of their partner. The NT partner may also be suffering from Cassandra Syndrome, a special kind of invalidation.

This is a phenomenon that is not in the DSM, but can be easily researched online. I recommend searching Mark Hutten, M.A., for ease of finding and down to earth language.

Craving Emotional Connection

Early in their relationship the NT partner may have felt swept off their feet. This can easily happen if the autistic partner made their NT into a “special interest” when they first fell in love. It is normal for couples to feel some disappointment after the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but this is a special circumstance. 

The NT partner can feel especially disappointed after being romanced in this fashion. There is nothing like being courted by someone with autism. In “putting their best foot forward”  they may mold themselves to appear to be the perfect spouse. 

It is natural for the NT partner to attempt to communicate their emotional needs, but feel unheard when the autistic partner does not respond in a way that shows caring, or actually seems oblivious. This is quite a contrast from feeling that they found an almost magical partner. 

Over time this disappointment can turn into bitterness and anger, with accusations of the ASD partner “Love Bombing” them or enticing them into a one-way relationship.

“Love Bombing” is a phenomenon that is known in reference to narcissistic personality disorder. There are clear differences between narcissism and autism. The biggest difference is that the autistic partner did not intend to deceive, or manipulate and would feel deeply misunderstood if someone thought so.  

It can take a professional to help the NT partner understand that no harm was meant during dating and that the autistic partner was just doing his or her best.

Developing New Communication Skills With Therapy

When a couple finds me they have often been to more than one therapist. They are struggling to believe that I, or anyone can help them.

Both are hoping that I will see their problems from a different perspective and that my plan and input will stop the pain. Sometimes they think once I “translate” what each is trying to say, their partner will finally hear, finally empathize and change. I do act as a translator and that does help, but there is more to do.

Communication skills are crucial for the success of couples and this is especially true in conflict, yet in a neurodiverse couple, there is a built-in challenge.

One of the traits common to those on the spectrum, is to miss social cues. Another is a phenomenon called Alexithymia.

Modern psychiatry defines this as: the inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions and this has been linked to depression and even suicidal behavior. This does not mean they do not have emotions or empathy, it means they have more trouble finding the words.

These couples have often been stressed and in pain, for most of the time that they have been together. There may be a history of damaging arguments, often with both partners fearing abandonment. 

The NT partner hasn’t always learned good communication skills either. Growing up they may have learned to hide their feelings, to express them aggressively, or with a critical manner.
Arguments and criticisms may deteriorate into sarcasm, which presents a significant and often paralyzing effect on the ASD partner. Sometimes things come out that way, due to the NT partner having held them in for a very long time,  or due to the disappointments that I have described.

It is noteworthy that the NT partner may be divergent, in the sense of something like ADHD, depression or anxiety, etc. A traumatic childhood may have left them with a special desire for consistency and reassurance that someone on the spectrum can clearly seem to offer. They often tell me what a creature of habit their spouse or partner is. With this partner, they feel little insecurity that they may have felt with others or in relationship to their earliest caretakers. 

Yet this very habitual behavior on the part of the ASD partner, may come to bother them greatly. Kind and timely remarks, affection and romantic aspects of the relationship start to seem automatic and unfulfilling. Eventually there is not enough emotional connection. Often they have tried talking to their partners about it repeatedly, end up giving up and thinking about separation or divorce.

The most important pattern that I have attempted to describe here is that couples hope that a diagnosis and finding a therapist who sees and understands it, will make the relationship problems go away. 

Counseling for this kind of couple requires time and training, at least as much as it does for other couples. A very important part of it is coming to see and understand what the other partner has to offer and can give. Acceptance is a huge part of loving oneself and others. Much  psychoeducational and communication training is usually necessary.

It is important to note that although autism became a diagnosis, it is not something that can be cured. It has been my purpose here to say that with time, purposeful work and acceptance, it is quite possible to have a more fulfilling relationship.

We humans are marvelously capable of growth and change.

Through that change we become a better version of ourselves and can contribute to the growth of our partners. It is well documented that a loving relationship has the power to heal. This is certainly possible, in a neurodiverse relationship or marriage.