Nuances in an Autistic Romantic Relationship

I read a story about a therapist and her first date with her husband. They have been partners now for 30 years.  He asked her, “Are we on a date?” On the second date, he asked, “Are we still dating?” She found it sweet and endearing. 17 years later, she realized that what had happened, was typical for someone on the autistic spectrum. Her story follows, because it is not much different from my own personal experiences or those of my companions, with partners on the spectrum.  

Everyone is Different

Autism can present in myriad ways, including an obsession with details, social awkwardness, an inability to recognize the feelings of others, and sometimes a flat outward expression. I have also heard of and met those who I would describe as extremely sensitive and empathetic and some are well-known actors.  

The woman in the story had no clue about this when she fell in love with her husband. She found his lack of drama and histrionics calming, a welcome relief from her own family’s constant antics and manipulations. She felt that he balanced her, as she was outgoing and engaging and he was quiet with no problem of being alone. She was animated and he was peaceful.  

Challenges of Loving An Autistic Partner

It wasn’t until they decided to move in together that she began to feel tension and they had relationship conflicts. It was suddenly very plain how very different they were from each other.

She had a cozy but cluttered little apartment. He had a big house with a living room that looked to her like a hotel lobby, chairs carefully chosen for their shape and style and tables placed just so. He designated a special room for her and would not allow her to hang anything on a wall. It seemed that he had rules for everything.

Things had to be on his terms and he could not seem to extend himself for her. She did not see the typical clues to show that he loved her, that you expect in a partner. When she felt needy, she would often ask him why he loved her and he could not tell her. He didn’t have the words, just the feeling.  

She wondered if perhaps he had been abused or traumatized in his youth. They went to couples therapy and he made an effort, but his changes weren’t enough. He began to seem more like her family to her and this triggered sad feelings from her childhood. She thought she was projecting her childhood trauma on the blank screen he presented. 

Pop Culture to the Rescue

Then she happened to see an obscure movie called “Adam.” It was about a man on the autistic spectrum and she found nearly every scene, very familiar. Suddenly she thought about how her husband loved the popular TV series “Big Bang Theory” which they watched together. “Sheldon” might as well have been her husband. Sheldon had a 50-page contract of rules. There was “no whistling in the house!” (The show never directly said that Sheldon was on the spectrum, yet viewers seemed clear on what Sheldon was portraying.) It finally dawned on her that her husband was autistic! She read about it and about how his brain differed from hers. Almost immediately, half of her problems with him disappeared.

She realized that he was trying harder than anyone in her family to accommodate her needs. He didn’t have a hidden agenda nor was he playing games as her family had. She realized that he was exactly who he was and there was no attempt to manipulate her.

Gifts of Loving Someone on the Spectrum 

After years of difficulty with behavior that was originally very challenging to her, she realized how hard he tried to make her part of his world. She learned how hard it was for him to be in a relationship and how big this was for him. Over time, she began to feel loved. He offered more verbal and physical expression. She learned to pay more attention to how he expressed love and warmth, not comparing it to anything she was used to, with neurotypical people. She was deeply satisfied with the love that he provided. 

She accepted him for who he was, as he had done for her. Although there were those who did not understand him, or their relationship, she had a marriage that she never wanted to leave.

An important lesson to be learned is to remove judgement and learn that your partner, is a completely separate and different person. This doesn’t mean there is no conflict. Many experienced practitioners, believe that conflict is actually growth, trying to happen. It is much easier to work through it, when negative judgment is removed.  

If you become stuck or you feel too challenged, I am here to guide you through a road I traveled.