Among the strongest partnerships are those in which one member is on the autistic spectrum, but there are unique challenges, presented by neurological differences. Needless to say, the challenges are often in communication. Partners can feel as though they are speaking different languages and decide their styles are incompatible.

Often those on the spectrum view conversation differently than their neurotypical counterpart. The differences between the way people in these special couples relate are often a source of strength because it helps both partners shift and expand their worlds and lives, yet these same differences can cause significant stress and frustration. Both can feel unheard or misunderstood by their significant other. Effective communication is basic to satisfying relationships. The following are 4 important areas of successful communication: 

Timing 

The timing of a conversation can be crucial. Conversations should not be happening while one or both are rushing to leave for work, or right after arriving home, when there has not been time to decompress. The time and conditions when conversations occur are extremely important. Partners should identify times that work best for engaging in conversations, especially more important ones. This requires being thoughtful and planning when possible.

My training in working with children on the spectrum, taught me that transition times are challenging for kids on the spectrum and of course this can continue into adulthood. Assuring that the partner on the spectrum has time to transition into conversation mode, either upon arriving home from work, or another activity, will support more successful discussions. Couples may choose to set aside specific times to talk about more complicated subjects in their lives and relationship. Being thoughtful about timing will improve the likelihood of both partners being able to fully attend and participate in the conversation. 

Processing 

Along with challenges in social communication, individuals on the autism spectrum may have differences in their processing style. This can require more time to think about a topic that has been brought up or to plan a response in the way they hope to communicate it. Neurotypical partners may experience frustration, feeling that their partner does not care about or is not thinking about a concern as much as they are. However, it is likely that their partner may just need more time to process the topic or consider how to most effectively respond.

These challenges make it useful to give the neurodiverse partner advanced notice of topics that might be heavier or more stressful, so they can consider it, before engaging in a conversation. The partner on the spectrum can also choose to write down the topics coming up in conversation with their partner. Making notes allows partners to come back to the information later and can also help with outlining strategies for executing required follow-up. Notes and lists are a known useful technique of supporting effective communication. This entails the partner on the spectrum putting reminders into their calendar, or their neurotypical partner supporting their communications with reminder notes at home or via electronic reminder. 

Mind Reading 

Mind reading is a phenomenon that exists in most relationships. When someone is connected to their partner, they often expect the person to intuitively know what they are thinking or need, without being explicitly told. While mind reading is an ineffective strategy in any relationship, it can be especially upsetting in neurodiverse partnerships. These couples approach topics from different lenses and have varying frameworks to create solutions. Sometimes this is called challenges with Theory of Mind and can cause unintentional insensitivities between partners (Mendes, 2017). Thus, clear and concrete messaging of needs and desires is vital for effective communication.

In addition, mind reading often results in the partner on the spectrum offering specific feedback or their personal viewpoint on a discussion, when their partner may only want supportive listening. Being clear about needs in a conversation can offer structure to the neurodiverse partner’s response and conversational engagement. This often requires psychoeducation for a neurotypical partner to support them in learning ways to more clearly and effectively communicate their needs to their spouse. 

Defensiveness 

Neurodiverse couples often report difficulties around defensiveness in their relationships. This can be caused by the misreading of cues, past bullying, the need to defend ones’ decisions/perspectives, or feelings of being criticized. Regardless of the root cause, it can severely impact partners’ experiences of communication and connectedness. Setting intentions in neurodiverse couples therapy helps clarify the reason why a partner is sharing more difficult feedback that can seem critical or engaging in a difficult discussion. When couples understand that they both have “good intentions” in their relationship, it can ground partners in the way information is being delivered and received. Again, the timing of sharing feedback or offering a different lens is crucial. Feedback that is shared when a couple is in an active argument, is likely to be harder to receive and incorporate. Couples are advised to share feedback after the conflict has dissipated and they are both calm. It is also crucial for the neurotypical partner to be mindful of their information delivery, offering further clarity and context for this feedback, as their partner may not have the same social understanding. 

Recognizing patterns of communication that have not been constructive and incorporating a conscious approach to these 4 parts areas of communication, will support clearer, more effective conversations that are helpful building blocks in strengthening a neurodiverse relationship. The above strategies related to timing, processing, mind reading, and defensiveness can support couples in overcoming the potential challenges of communication. Building skills in clearer, more direct communication further offers neurodiverse couples the tools needed to address any other stressors that might be present in their partnership.